Sunday, July 08, 2007
One thing that I learned about myself that took more than just this year to figure out is that I have a severe case of "misplaced tears." I don't know if I am alone in this boat (please message me to tell me if this is a psychological issue), but I do not cry at the appropriate time. Seriously. Throughout my life, many people have questioned my inability to cry or act sympathetic, empathetic, or like I give two craps about some of the things that suck in life or extremely happy moments. It's like I never cry when I want to or when I should, but the secret is: I have break downs at the most stupid things after the fact.
When I was younger, I would never stress out about big tests or serious event build-ups, but instead, I would break out in big welts and hives, and the teacher would say," it looks like you're stressed Shelby, you know what to do," and I would walk around the building three times and take Benadryl.(lol) It is the unfortunate truth.
When my grandfather died (the day that I (along with my seven beautiful grains of sand) had our pro show), I walked out on the "stage" and totally made my thing...no tears. Even at the funeral, I sat there mad because there were people who were smiling at this amazing man's funeral...I wanted everyone to be crying...but for some reason, I was not. I sat there watching the people I loved cry over a man that I absolutely adored and was close to, and not a tear came out. However a week later, when I went to see the movie The Notebook, the fantastic love story given by the husband of a woman with Alzheimer's disease (which my grandfather suffered from) I literally had a break down (wheezing and all) in the movie theatre and cried for an entire week (I cried at home, at P&G (my internship), at the pool, out with my friends, everywhere).
Skip a few years to my senior year of college. When I was going through a tough time with everything. I didn't feel like I was balancing everything properly- I had several significant deadlines/ events, I felt distant from the Lord, I had friendship dilemmas, sorority problems, my hair looked a mess, I was breaking out, I had dark circles around my eyes, etc.- I kept my head up and didn't let anyone or anything get to me. I was fine, but then one night, the "letter t" on my computer keyboard started sticking to the keyboard base, making double "TTT"s while I was writing a pointless e-mail. I literally had a breakdown so bad, I had to call my cousin and Melissa to help me out because I thought that I was going into cardiac arrest--I was sweating, hyperventilating, the whole shebang...and the next day, I was fine.
I wrote this for two reasons:
1. To tell the world..." I am sensitive, and I DO care (sometimes), and I will eventually let my emotions out, whether in the form of hives or a completely unannounced breakdown."
2. This is normal, right? I am not the only one in the world with "misplaced tears" am I?