I am deeply addicted to being approved. This is shown most of my relationship with my parents. But it can be seen elsewhere.
Private Writing: Sept. 2019
I had my family in for the weekend. And on Friday, when things did not go as planned. I had an incredible meltdown and almost messed up the entire night. It’s funny because I prayed the night before. I felt so empowered, I was lotioned up, and in my prayer closet, I prayed for breaking all the chains and prayed that I could be everything - polite, courteous, silent when others talked, and not intense. Let me be zen. I wanted to simply be kind. But what I realized is that the meltdown is the illumination of what is more deep-rooted. What is the root? The source of the issue is that I care so deeply about making sure that no one thinks that I am wrong. I just want everyone to believe that I did a good job. I need the approval above all else. I don't think that approval is wrong within itself, the reason that this is an issue for me is that I am willing to throw other people under the boat. I’m okay to stop my witness about Christ. I will happily sacrifice my true beliefs. I put on a mask of niceness to be accepted. I've walked away from my path to be approved. I realize that I cannot be fully who I am supposed to be if I am not going to break the chains of acceptance and approval. I have got to be okay with allowing my Creator to tell me to move in a way... or to think in a way that is not going to be acceptable to other people. I believe that He called us to be peculiar people, we are all to be uniquely who we are supposed to be, and I want to walk that life. I do not want to die, living a life based on the approval of others. Advice is life-giving, and guidance is necessary - friendship, mentorship, and sisterhood are biblical. But my ultimate direction has got to be given by the Creator and at this point. I have got to move past this, it is my greatest prayer for myself. I have to break the chains so that I don't miss giving my family what they need. God partnered me with my boys and with Mike for a reason. If I continue to ignore the call to be 110% me - I may also miss my purpose in their lives.