Edited: August 31, 2020 (grammar, spelling, and words omitted)
December 03, 2009 (25 years old, NYC, teacher)
I ONCE THOUGHT I WANTED TO BE A NUN.
I read over my diary and came across this entry - it's darker than what I usually like to share, but c'est la vie.
September 21, 2009
I wanted to be a nun in high school. I would be a modern nun - no convent, several male friends, but no sex, no marriage, no CHILDREN. I wanted to move to New York and work a job and several volunteer opportunities to donate my time and all of my energy. I would be like a younger Mother Teresa (my absolute icon at the time) that wrote, practiced law, was a VJ now and then (on MTV), and would save all orphans, widows, homeless, and less fortunate. I would also spend time getting closer to the Lord and fasting all the time.
I would keep in touch with my parents while traveling the world. I would have only one best friend, but would not be caught up in most people, because female "friends" brought drama. I would be too busy saving the world for drama, gossip, or critiques.
It was a game plan that made me smile every time I thought about it.
But my smile would grow even bigger about all the things I WOULD NOT BE:
I wouldn't have to worry about being the wife that cooked, cleaned, and kept up with appearances, even when everyone knew she was a miserable woman with an even more miserable husband. No man would ever tell me what to do. I wouldn't have to worry about a bratty daughter that would cry whenever she didn't get anything or make other young girls feel less than...or have the little girl that always felt less than...or a little boy that would grow into a teenager and scheme to get in girls' pants breaking their hearts the whole way. I would never have to worry about my husband coming home telling me that he is leaving with his new woman (a younger, more submissive woman than myself). I would never have to rely on and build others' dreams while my hopes and dreams played second fiddle. I wouldn't be the "smart and driven" young lady judged on how well she can make souffle or how clean her home is. I won't wear pearls and take family pictures while we all fake smiles and send the photos to a bunch of people who don't care about them. I won't have my heart broken every time my children experience the hurts that come with life. I will not have to juggle love and work.
MOST importantly, I will never be someone's EVERYTHING. I can FAIL, LIVE, be LESS than be ME without looking into disappointed eyes.